Friday, February 10, 2017

Owensville By Morning

It's taken nearly seven hours to get Owensville, but we got here just in time for me to look back at the widest grin I’ll see today. The tracks are giving out from under me, but for thirty long seconds, I don’t pay them any mind as I wave back at the boy in a truck, heading with his dad out to their acreage, at an unguarded crossing signal.  A little over ten years ago, I was that boy, wanting to get up in that handsome Rock Island cab and drive that powerful locomotive across the Ozark highlands.  Come to think of it, it’s closer to twenty years ago.

I’m a Rock Island man for now, but not for long, or so they tell me.  As I hit the bend north to head up to the Owensville depot, I know this locomotive, the heart of the line, is willing. But the rails are a ribbon of rust and they are sickly and weak.  It’s been years since 443 or any engine has been able to open up on this line.  Keeping her upright and heading east is pretty much all that is left.

We picked up orders last night in Eldon, in the fading shadows of dusk and the dying days of this line.  Each run seems to go a little slower.  I used to keep track, but the extra seconds and minutes behind schedule are just more time to remind me that any sunset I see from this cab may be the last.
People have asked me if running the same line ever gets boring and I always tell them “no”.  The Rock Island is a proud Granger railroad and it’s never the same run twice.  We may be on the same rails every day, but the loads, the stops, the weather, the kids waving at the tracks – something is always different.

Passing the forlorn depot at Meta I remember that just a few years ago, business illuminated it from the inside.  Now, I see, barely see, the evidence of its last operations from a dim street light as we slip away out of town, unnoticed.  We creep toward and then under Freeburg in the deep of the night, emerging from the tunnel into brilliant moonlight as the clouds break.  A long shadow falls off the Gasconade River bridge.  I shudder as the bridge creaks and engines strain with the load.  I catch the moon’s reflection off the river, running low, 90 feet below.

When I started on this line, an Eldon to Saint Louis run began and ended while nearly everyone, even the farmers who supported the line, were still dreaming.   But then the Rock has always been an afterthought in Missouri, except for boys like me who sat on the edge of the school property at lunch, wanting to see, praying to see, the local operation pass and wonder where the men driving those mighty engines would end their day.  The sound of the horn in the distance was enough for me to forget reading, writing, and arithmetic and launch head long into the daydream of driving that train.

MFA grain elevators and water towers stand like sentinels watching the night fade away.  As we pass through them, I wonder how cities like Belle and Bland got their names.  The long grade out of Bland gives me an opportunity to give the throttle a nudge.  I restrain against the urge to open it up, as I know the line between here and Canaan barely supports our running speed.

Purple hues in the east brighten to red, then orange as the clay factory silhouette gains sharpness in the hazy morning.  I rub the sleep from my eyes then catch the young man’s eyes in the Ford truck. He looks at his dad, who seems almost as happy as his son to be stopped by the train.  I see the boy excitedly reach for the handle to roll down the window.  He grabs a seat on the window sill, waving hard enough to almost raise a breeze.  As he slips out of view back into the haze, I know our days are numbered as I realize our schedule is lost again.  But I couldn’t imagine a night at work slipping by better as I say it again, “Owensville by morning, 10 miles per hour at a time.”

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Closing In


When I woke, it was incipient
and I could feel it coming,
even if the forces escaped my attention.

Ignoring my instincts, I carried on
lost in thoughts,
barely worth mention.

A warm wind rolls the dust
and by the afternoon, the sky is colored rust

Today’s work is not done, but I sit and watch
as the towers are built
in the afternoon swelter.

I should have seen it on the horizon,
the wreck my life is becoming.

It’s closing in...
and now there’s no time to get to shelter.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Tuscaloosa 04272011/2210UTC

You tore my beliefs from their foundation
I lay, cut and broken, looking at a calm blue sky
While thunder threatens a repeat and rain soaks my skin.
I’m too shocked to realize this is not my imagination.
The fierce wind took my breath and I can’t get it back no matter how hard I try.
Words stumble over my tongue and don’t make it over the din.


I sensed something brewing, yet went forward with blind eyes
The anger rising like heat waves from the concrete.
The sadness leaching from the pavement, fueling the air.
It never ceases to amaze me, the fact that I’m surprised.
My thoughts, flailing about like a child’s tantrum, never complete.

Suddenly, it's upon me, and I walk into its lair.

Welcome inside the bear’s cage.
You won’t see me coming in the wrapping rain.
I’m going to tear you apart until there’s nothing more.
Everything you ever wanted, exploding in the windy rage...
           till nothing remains.

            Choke the inflow,
             transition to a new tower,
               repeat as before.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Wilberforce


Wilberforce was just down the road,
But grandma was the only visitor we’d get from there.
Her trips stopped in a long-ago, early April
by a malevolent caller who lives in my daily nightmare.

Her words, winding through a life spent working with her husband
to raise a barn,
raise crops,
              raise a family
on top of a stop for the Underground Railroad,
left me longing for Sundays and the site of her worn Rambler
turning into the driveway.

Two weeks before Easter, in 1974, came a revelation like no other.
Nine years earlier and two years before I became her favorite surprise,
not long after Palm Sunday services let out, “the cyclone” arrived.
Grandpa told her he’d be back in a minute,
but it stopped his heart and closed his eyes.
My gaze grew fixed and my jaw dropped down.
My first story of loss happened just outside of town.

The next two days slipped by slower than an L&N freight.
My heart was heavy as I carried this story’s weight.
The word “cyclone” was replaced by “tornado”,
but little did I know, that not a few hours later,
it would be up the road from Wilberforce,
darkening my window.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Bleeding Kansas





"For God's sake, take cover now!"
I closed my eyes and sought refuge in presumed faith.

I learned the myth of the mound was blowing away from the TV's urgent plea.
Humidity transformed into a sickly, green hue.
I need to see what is coming, but the cedars block the view.
The rapidly increasing darkness and howl means the monster broke free.
Sirens rise to take a stand, join the fray.









Mom's at the store, dad's day at the Capitol just began. 
Alone. . . across the street to join the neighbors downstairs.
Inflow yanks at my feet, begging me to slip, and my eyes have to know.
Looking backward, I keep moving forward...it follows...I might be too slow!
Bathed in different light -- the dying sun, exploding blue arcs, headlights in the air.
The door latches, then leaves, along with everything else of where I just ran.

The roof on the garage collapsed when mom got home.
We didn't see dad until dawn, and he took me downtown to help right then.


The water tower stood like a sentinel.
A lone survivor amidst the broken homes and damaged capitol. 

The smell of lost secrets leaching from those broken cedars.
Washed away by sweat in a long summer spent burying the dead and reburying those secrets. 


 
I've got to legs back under me.
I've got to make it to Washburn...

I thought I thought my last thoughts as I dashed into the neighbor's basement just last summer.
That day, I started running  away from those plains, that mound, and its myth.
Straight to Basic, onto a plane, plunging into a plume of uncertain humidity.
Straight into the jungle...taking up John Brown's righteous, bloody charge…away from Kansas and the friends and family I loved.


"For God's sake, take cover now!"
I closed my eyes and sought refuge in a long-ignored faith.

Our defenses collapsed halfway down the hill. 
We lost the captain near dawn as the mortars came in.

I'm not going to get my legs back under me.
I'll never get back to Washburn...

Never again lay eyes back across those plains, that mound, and its myth.
Rather they fix on the canopy above, while a familiar scent of lost secrets carries me away.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Niles / 1985



I left you before I even got there.
But I remember our last day as
I stopped dead in my tracks to watch you.
Diffuse at first.  Birds in the air? 
Your signature clarified in the branches.




I diverted that day
   and less than three months later
     I sat, lost, 10 stories in the air.

Regret was planted
   and the harvest has been bountiful. 



If we could return to the point of diversion,
      I'm not sure if he would follow you,
            but I know I would chase you away.





Now, occasionally we read your signature in the branches.
Only then, does my mind cease to wander and roam.




Wednesday, February 1, 2012

St. John

St. John, I saw you each morning.
Taken for granted as this Sunday sun rises
Throwing a long shadow away from Bird St. on a day like any other, otherwise.
Barely aware of birds nervously fluttering across leafy branches in warning.

St. John, I still see you, but you're fading away.
As I rushed in from Dillons, 
I took one last look toward the swirling gray.
and saw you enveloped by an angry exhale at the end of this day...
no longer like any other


St. John, we find you inside us 
and we won't let you go.
The shadows of so many lives cast upon your living walls.
We were born here, 
we came in sick, 
and some of us left well,
while others left with you 
as you served your last full measure of devotion.

Your restoration is our mission and the wheels are in motion.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Myth Of The Mound

I learned the myth of the mound was blowing away
from the TV's urgent plea.
Humidity transformed into a sickly, green hue.
I need to see what is coming, but the cedars block the view.
The rapidly increasing darkness and howl means the monster broke free.
Sirens rise to take a stand, join the fray.


Mom's at the store, dad's day at the Capitol just began.
Alone. . . across the street to join the neighbors downstairs.
Inflow yanks at my feet, begging me to slip, and my eyes have to know.
Looking backward, I keep moving forward...it follows...I might be too slow! 
Bathed in different light -- the dying sun, exploding blue arcs, headlights in the air.
The door latches, then leaves, along with everything else of where I just ran.



Saturday, November 26, 2011

Monticello

Tracks down the middle of the street.
But the Monon doesn't run them anymore.
Miles pass mutely by on the way to Monticello.
Hoping some of my questions are lost on the way home.




Your signature was recognized by men much smarter than me.
But their rate of concentration lapses.
Replaced by apprehension, realizing what, if not sure when.
But not long...as your fuel breezes past their skyward gaze,
as it tracks down the middle of the street.


I see the black sky boil over and spill to the ground.
And it tracks down the middle of the street...taking aim on all I know.
The walls are giving up, but instruments persevere.
Pressure and mercy rapidly fade in equal measure.




Accounting for what is no longer.
Trying to remember all I know, now gone.
Disbelief tunnels my vision.
And it tracks down the middle of the street.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Aftermath

I used to dream of spring
and a lifetime of long June days
I watched you walk away into the warm, whistling wind
Singing with your voice, "So long".

I should have stopped you in your tracks,
by the tracks long lost.
I should have realized and spoken these words...
"Take all my tomorrows and give me one more hour tonight."

I've been walking for so long,
but I've never gotten too far.
Impeded by spring's warm, whistling wind
which caught and carried my life away.

As I gaze into your face -- brilliant, blue, and fair.
Words catch and choke as I ask myself again.
How many more steps till I can stop drawing this spring air?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Elephant

Just home from work
and I'm still not quite here.

When it was morning,
I walked out on Tracy's simmering mood
and into her thick June sky.


The elephant's trunk hangs from a cloud
In sepia, it seems
there can be no explanation, but a dream
Scale out of whack -- no longer confined, no turning back.





In color, 
smooth rampage just born.

The trunk flails and takes aim.
Storms through the corn,
coming for me to reconcile the blame.


I'm still not quite here.

In the afternoon,
as Tracy's sky dims to deathly grey and ghostly white,
I ran back to her worried eyes and reflected them back.
And directly, the stampede consumed my regret.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Twins

Palm Sunday service in Goshen
The sermon of Jesus’ return to Jerusalem…
and knowing what's coming

As the entrance hymn fades, I'm
Wondering where the damp, chilly morning went
Wondering how it gave way to muggy warmth
Wondering why I urged the twins to wear their jackets
Wondering when I last saw a coppery noon sky
Wondering what's coming

On the mound in Pringle Park,
a whiffle curve doesn't break.
Whistling the increasing wind, just past my ear
turns me around and while the wind is gaining ground. . .
                an early warning
the winning run scores
                of what's coming.

The gathering darkness crept up from the west
Didn't we just spring forward?
An increasing weight bears down on my chest
Thunder rumbles, but the horizon conceals what's coming.

Everyone into the Electra, dust sweeps back to what's coming
It seems to keep us from 33.
Look right, clear, look left, fear
There's a train, then two, then three



The entrance hymn in refrain, no longer clear on what remains
But now, in Goshen, it is clear what's coming.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Finger of God


Black and white photo of horror in color
From a safe distance of many years
I luridly recall your details.

At the airport, I see your fearsome construction
I marvel at how it came together
And struggle to understand how and why, because
I couldn’t help then and I failed to help now.
Regret draws me closer.

Trespassing through a farm, stealing the earth
Late for work and malicious at birth
A hungry wind with a green sky calling card.
Darkening danger almost on top of us,
as dad watches from the garage
and we play in the front yard.
“Open the windows. . . get in the car!”

Only a few seconds to gain enough distance.

Our school, our home, our hands and voices
Couldn’t hold on or offer enough resistance
against the finger of God.

I couldn’t help then and what am I doing now?
Regret sweeps me away.


Sickle


Sickle of wind, meeting the wheat.

Coming to cut me down.

Cut me down to size.


A river will run from my eyes.

Swift enough to sweep clean,

not deep enough to drown

the loss I'll come to realize.